The Three Questions That unlock real human connection
Harnessing the power of presence and authenticity to transform everyday encounters and spark real conversations
Making adult friends and connecting with people can be difficult. I’m sharing a framework below of what I use to spark up conversations with people in my everyday life.
I’m dropping something I’ve been meaning to put down on paper for a while. This is a part 2 to building meaningful relationships. You may have seen the linkedin post a while back about why I don’t use the term networking and instead say “making friends” and why it’s important to prioritize reciprocal versus transactional relationships. You can read that article here.
If you know me, you know I have an insatiable curiosity for people and enjoy human connection. I connect with people everywhere I go - on 6 hour flights to Costa Rica or Seattle, train rides to and from NYC, dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and people that stop in front of my house. There’s so much life to live and learn - everyone is on their own unique journey.
I was talking to my sister and telling her about the people I meet - 2-5 per week, I don’t set out to do this but it just happens. Some are in deep conversation and we keep in touch while others are just for a joyful moment, moving on but thankful for the blessing or lesson.
I don’t do well in structured environments so the ambiguity of the world is my playground.
In my coaching, I advise my clients on this framework and it works well - they get to meet more people, grow their projects and businesses and realize they “feel more themselves” by intentionally connecting with others.
What are we here for if not human connection and community?
I intuitively started taking these steps and looking back developed the framework, but here’s where it started.
My freshman year at Cornell University - The worst year in the school’s suicide history, 2009–2010 academic year, during which six student suicides were reported, three of which involved students jumping from campus bridges into the gorges.
The campus is bordered by two gorges, Fall Creek Gorge and Cascadilla Gorge.
I saw one of these individuals on the ground, at the bottom of the gorge and knew all of them by some six degrees of separation. I was devastated and broken. There was little mental nor physical support on campus to process what was happening at age 19. I went to class directly after seeing a body and my TA said to focus on my work and not to think about it. I thought of the student and their family. I thought of myself and how I would have wanted people to stop and pause to think about me and my family. I thought we needed a debrief versus a callous - let’s move on. There were more deaths throughout college but my place in my community felt better over time. I felt this deep guilt that maybe if I had seen them or given them a smile, they would have had hope that day. The school felt big and overwhelming.
Number 1 way to connect with someone
Where are you going?
This could be literal or metaphorical. In the spring of 2010, I started asking my peer students where they were going - if I was out on a walk to and from class or an activity. Especially on rainy or snowy days when being outside was just miserable, it was also nice to have someone to walk with and have a pleasant conversation with. Most people were walking to and from class and sometimes the walks were anywhere from 10 minutes to 45 minutes. I would ask if I could walk with them if I was going in the same direction and sometimes, I’d even just take a little detour. School began to feel smaller and I got to know more people as well.
I’d ask follow up questions like what’s happening at your event, why are you going or how’d you get involved in xyz? Maybe they were sad, maybe they weren’t but if they felt seen in that moment, I did my job.
After graduating, I still ask people when I’m outside walking or during my travels. Anyone that looks interesting to me- I’ve found there’s so much more behind the destination. Some people need a hug after coming back from their mother’s funeral and other’s share an awesome book I can add to my reading list, while others offer to pay for dinner or send you to a basketball game or offer you a job - complete strangers at one point.
Life truly becomes magical
The fun thing is, you never know what you’re going to get but it’s almost always a pleasant interaction.
Number 2 way to connect with someone
Ask for their opinion or help on something.
When I graduated college and wanted to make new friends after moving back to Connecticut, I started using this “tactic” unknowingly. I saw another girl shopping in my downtown area and I wanted to talk to her (she looked cool). I didn’t know what to do but I noticed we were both trying on blazers. I loved the blazer I had on and I knew I was going to buy it, but I STILL went up to her and asked her what she thought about my blazer.
She loved it - we ended up talking about how we both moved back to the area, had birthdays coming up and liked some of the same things. She became a friend and we hung out on numerous occasions shortly after that. Humans love offering opinions and the good ones love to offer help if you need it.
As a former hyper-independent lady, I had to start practicing accepting help and support - these were the very early days and I used it to connect with others. “Do you mind helping me with xyz…”
Number 3 way to connect with someone
Give an authentic and genuine compliment
This one is my favorite because you really get to see people’s whole demeanor change in a moment. If I want to strike up a conversation or just keep it to the short compliment, I look for someone interesting or someone that just looks like they need a mood booster. The key to this is to actually see something you like and authentically give a compliment - don’t make something up that isn’t true.
Energy never lies.
If you like their coat, their shoes, their eyes - tell them.
I was walking with a friend in NYC and she whispered to me that she liked the outfit of a mother walking with her teenage son. I told my friend to just tell the lady at the crosswalk and she did. The woman immediately lit up and even turned to her son saying “see, they like my outfit.” I suspect he had been nagging her about what she was wearing.
I, myself, love when this is done to me in return. I was traveling in 2022 by myself going home to my then relationship and an elderly man, next to his wife, said to me - “you’re very pretty. When was the last time someone told you that you were pretty?”. I broke down in tears because I couldn’t remember even though people had complimented me all my life. In the moment, I felt tired and worn down. It was at that moment that I realized something had long been missing in myself. Ever since then, strangers have given me these compliments every few weeks or so and they are especially meaningful reminders on stressful days or on days I’m feeling like a little bum. I consider these people my angels sent by Jesus to remind me of who I am - to take a step back and not get so caught up in the distractions of the world. It helps me stay more grounded.
Sometimes we see beauty in people and say, they probably get a lot of compliments or I’m too scared to talk to them - get out of your head for humanity’s sake.
With all of this, the thing you don’t want to forget is FOLLOW UP.
A person can upkeep about 150 people in a community at any given time. The key to all of this is discernment, who to keep and who to let go.
You also want to build a system around follow up that works for you, your time, and your energy. I have my system set-up and always strive to improve.
I wont’ publish my system here but if you want some tips on how I authentically manage or don’t manage my relationships with people I meet, feel free to reach out to awakenlabsllc@gmail.com.
Today: I challenge you to give someone a genuine and authentic compliment.
Their world will change.
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With love,
Sasha Mack